Coping with Jealousy Part I

We’ve all experienced jealousy at some point in our lives, whether in a friendship, amongst siblings, or with a romantic partner. Jealousy is a universal emotion that can pop up in even the healthiest relationships and is usually related to fears of loss, abandonment, betrayal; and feelings grief, anger, and humiliation.

Jealousy is uncomfortable but jealousy alone doesn’t usually harm a relationship; harm can be done to a relationship when we act on those feelings maladaptively.. Here at CTWPS, when jealousy interferes, we help women develop greater understanding of why they are responding in maladaptive ways, and assist them in developing more adaptive ways of interacting with loved ones. A book titled The Jealousy Cure (2018), by clinical psychologist Dr. Robert Leahy, outlines common - though ineffective - behaviors that individuals often engage in to cope with their jealous thoughts and feelings. In romantic relationships, some of these damaging behaviors may include:

Snooping on our partner: We may respond to feelings of jealousy by checking up on our partner in various ways, such as by searching their social media to see who they are interacting with or surreptitiously scouring their phone for suspicious texts or photos. Such behavior is problematic because in our hunt for clues of betrayal, we may misinterpret neutral information (e.g. a benign text with a colleague) as a threat. Not only is such behavior likely to exacerbate feelings of anxiety and jealousy, but it may violate the trust of our partners, who will likely feel betrayed by the invasion of their privacy.

Interrogating or accusing our partner: When we are experiencing jealousy we may feel the urge to interrogate our partner (e.g. by asking them detailed questions about where they have been and with whom) or accuse them of betrayal. Such accusations and interrogations are unlikely to provide us with the reassurance and certainty we desire, and instead are more likely to put our partners on the defensive. Further, communicating in this way will almost certainly limit the possibility of having an open, productive conversation about our feelings. 

Trying to control our partner: We may respond to jealousy by attempting to exert control over our partner, such as by isolating them from friends and family, insisting that we be by their side at all social events, or requiring them to text us constantly when we’re apart. Rather than increasing trust in our partner, these behaviors may serve to reinforce maladaptive assumptions about relationships, such as “if I don’t go to every social event with my partner, then he will cheat on me.” Such behaviors may also negatively impact relationships by prohibiting us from maintaining a healthy amount of independence from our partners.

Withdrawing from our partner: Sometimes we may respond to feelings of jealousy by withdrawing from our partner, such as by not answering their calls, blocking them on social media, or giving them the “silent treatment.” If our partner asks us if there is anything wrong we may “stonewall” them by denying that anything is bothering us, thereby closing off communication. Oftentimes we rationalize these behaviors by believing that our partner deserves to experience the same emotional pain and worry we are experiencing. However, retreating from our partner in this way will likely cause us to feel isolated and may further feed our jealousy. Instead, a relationship is more likely to benefit from an honest conversation about thoughts and feelings.

While all of the previously described behavioral responses may seem like a good idea in the moment, ultimately, they are likely to aggravate relationship issues, and exacerbate jealousy. Here at CTWPS we acknowledge that jealousy is an uncomfortable and distressing emotion, but also recognize that there are productive and unproductive choices we can make in how we respond to our jealousy. By addressing the emotional, behavioral and cognitive components of jealousy, we help women reduce ineffective behavioral responses and learn to cope with distressing feelings in healthier ways. If you feel that you or your relationships are being domintated by your jealousy, please reach out to us for support. 

Stay tuned for Part II of this series in which we will address cognitive strategies for managing jealousy.

Health Anxiety

Do you experience chronic anxiety or worry about your health? Do you become frustrated with physicians because you consistently report symptoms and they can’t provide a clear diagnosis?  If you experience these issues, you may be experiencing health anxiety. 

At CTWPS, we are psychologists and not physicians, and we can’t know the medical etiology of symptoms for our patients if a patient does not have a clear diagnosis from her physician.  But our role as therapists can be to support the reduction of a patient’s health-related anxiety in the context of her symptoms, and to increase her coping in the sometimes grey area of our medical diagnostic system.  Those experiencing health anxiety often have a difficult time differentiating between current symptoms and perceived danger. Our goal is to reduce any emotional suffering for our patient that occurs alongside her physical suffering, by working to change beliefs and behaviors that intensify a patient’s distress when she is symptomatic.

Let me briefly highlight some of the cognitive distortions and behaviors that contribute to experiencing health anxiety:

Emotional Reasoning occurs when a person concludes that her negative emotions prove something is true, regardless of other evidence. For example, “I am worried all the time that my recent exhaustion means that I have a debilitating disease. After a number of tests, my doctor believes the headaches are hormonally related, but I wouldn’t have these worries if they weren’t somehow true.”  

The reality is the majority of our worries are not predictive of our realities. Thinking a thought doesn’t make it a reality.

All or nothing thinking involves drawing extreme conclusions that reflect a black-or-white view of the world, without allowing any space for ambiguity, uncertainty, or alternative explanations. 

The belief that “bodily symptoms or sensations are always a sign of disease” is an example.

Bodily checking: This behavior includes repeatedly and excessively scanning one’s body for symptoms. This hyperawareness increases the likelihood of noticing benign bodily changes, further reinforcing the idea that constant checking is a requirement for health. Ironically, repeated checking of particular body areas sometimes also leads to overworking or irritating the site of sensation, potentially exacerbating physical symptoms.

Reassurance seeking: People experiencing health anxiety are likely to review their symptoms with one or more loved ones and physicians, seeking relief by being told that their symptoms are not serious. Reassurance seeking can also be expressed through requesting multiple medical tests and/or seeking numerous medical opinions from various physicians - also known as “doctor shopping.” While this behavior is intended to relieve anxiety and might do so in the short-term, if it is excessive, it can also increase stress and confusion for the patient.

Health anxiety can be extremely distressing, as our patients suffer from both physical and emotional discomfort simultaneously. Our ultimate goal is to reduce anxiety so that our patients can cope with their suffering, and can tolerate benign bodily symptoms, without committing to a negative health narrative without appropriate data. If you are experiencing health anxiety symptoms and are interested in reducing them, the highly trained therapists at CTWPS are ready to support you.

Improving Executive Functioning

Women often juggle myriad obligations simultaneously. An eye opening nation-wide survey from the University of Wisconsin revealed that for dual income earning families, wives spend about twice as much time doing housework, and five times as much time providing childcare than their husbands (as cited in Belkin, 2008).

As busy women, we rely on a group of higher-order cognitive processes called executive functions. However, these skills are not explicitly taught to usin academic or professional settings. Fortunately, we utilize many interventions to help improve these skills at CTWPS. Below are brief examples of executive functions and cognitive-behaviorally informed techniques that we may use to strengthen this skillset: 

Planning and Organization. Oftentimes, women come into treatment describing feelings of burnout. Through assessment, we may learn that she is actually having difficulty planning and organizing her very limited and hard-earned down time. One strategy we help our patients with is concretely breaking tasks down into more manageable parts and utilizing activity scheduling, to ensure she is making the most effective use of her time. 

Initiation. For those who have trouble getting started on tasks, we can explore various strategies to avoid procrastination. In addition to discussing possible barriers to accomplishing tasks, one strategy we may suggest is implementing small rewards for on-task behavior, such as a break every 20-25 minutes.

Emotion Regulation and Inhibition. Some people struggle with regulating their emotions and inhibiting their impulses, which can be detrimental to both interpersonal and professional relationships. At CTWPS, we strive to increase awareness of one’s inner experience, which fosters self-control. 

Cognitive Flexibility. We often see cognitive flexibility tested in our patients when they must shift from one meeting to another without a reprieve. One strategy we discuss here at CTWPS includes scheduling “transition time” between meetings, which helps to collect your thoughts and transition more seamlessly from one setting to another. 

Working Memory and Self-Monitoring. Weaknesses in working memory can manifest as difficulties with formulating a response in your head, and then conveying your ideas aloud. Others have deficits in self-monitoring, which can be a byproduct of multitasking. The first step in overcoming these challenges include strengthening your mental health forcefield, by stabilizing your diet, exercise, and sleep. We might also suggest scheduling time each night to double check your inbox before bed and set reminders so as to not forget anything. 

At CTWPS we address executive functioning challenges via an individualized, proactive, and skills-based approach. The strategies described above are merely a glimpse into the multifaceted and interactive approach you can expect in working with us. We welcome the opportunity to work with you and support you!

Part II: Behavioral Strategies for Working Through a Breakup

In our last post on working through a romantic breakup, we discussed cognitive strategies to manage distortions in thinking that can arise during times of significant emotional distress. While addressing cognitive distortions is a critical part of making it through the breakup process healthier and stronger, there are other things you can do to make the experience less painful and more productive. In this post, we will discuss behavioral interventions that help as well.

For many women, the period after a breakup involves a major shift in behavior. Some women find themselves withdrawing from social interactions and hunkering down in an effort to heal in private; while others find comfort engaging networks of friends or family to provide emotional support. There are many things a woman can do to help boost her mood, and breakup tips abound focusing on self-care, refreshing your space or look, or avoiding contact with your ex. While these may be effective strategies for some, at CTWPS we like to use a more structured behavioral approach that can have long term benefits for a woman struggling through a breakup. This approach is called “Behavioral Activation.”

For many, recovery from a breakup takes longer than one would like because the coping strategies we employ often exacerbate the low mood that accompanies a breakup. The behaviors associated with depressed feelings are designed to keep us in that state; for example, isolating, avoiding work or social engagements, ruminating, or using substances. When sadness and grief leads to inactivity and withdrawal, we have fewer and fewer opportunities for positive experience, pleasure, or healing, which perpetuates the experience of depression. Behavioral activation is the answer to this vicious cycle, helping a woman take control of her behaviors in a productive, growth-filled way. It is a critical component of healing effectively from a breakup, and at CTWPS this is an approach we use often to help alleviate distress around a major life change. Behavioral activation involves several steps:

1) Activity and mood monitoring: The first step in behavioral activation during a time of emotional distress is to closely monitor one’s activity, and the feelings associated with it, for one week. We ask our clients to keep a log or spreadsheet of the activities she does every day, along with a rating of how she feels during each activity. Even when we are feeling our worst, our moods are still fluctuating, even slightly, over the course of the day. Activity and mood monitoring gives us important data to see when we feel slightly worse, and when we feel slightly better. From the monitoring chart, we can begin to generate a list of the activities that are associated with better mood, and those associated with lower mood.

2) Self-scheduling: With this activity and mood monitoring data, clients can begin scheduling more of the behaviors associated with better mood. For example, a woman who tracks her activity for a week after her breakup discovers that looking at her ex’s Instagram, googling breakup tips, and laying in bed for an extra 20 minutes in the morning are all associated with lower mood. She finds that listening to a podcast on her commute to work, running out for a quick coffee with a colleague, and talking to an old friend on the phone are all associated with slightly improved mood. The following week, she will make a point of scheduling more coffee and lunch dates with friends, more catch-up calls, and more time out of the house listening to podcasts. It sounds so simple! However, this step of scheduling is critical, and has two major benefits: the first, of course, is the increase in pleasurable activity, which can have a powerful impact on mood. The second benefit is that after a breakup one’s usual schedule may be thrown off; the joint activities with her ex have ceased, and her routine is shaken up. Taking control of one’s routine and establishing stability and predictability is a crucial factor in healing from a breakup. 

3) Focus on values, pleasure, mastery, and goals: As a woman finds herself more effectively self-scheduling better-mood activities, she can begin to shift her focus to growth and development. As we often say at CTWPS, the hardest times in life provide the best opportunities to become stronger and more resilient! The next stage of behavioral activation involves getting more specific about one’s better-mood activities, and breaking down those behaviors into the following categories:

                                      Values:     what I find meaningful

Pleasure: what feels good to me, the ways I play.

Mastery:   how I achieve, accomplish, develop skills

In doing this exercise, a woman not only dedicates time and attention to developing herself, but she also addresses one of the major challenges of a breakup - reestablishing one’s identity. After a breakup, many women are left with a question of “who am I without my ex?” This stage of behavioral activation is critical to reconnecting with oneself, and defining oneself in terms of one’s values, pleasures and sense of mastery. In doing so she can begin to develop goals - targeting her choices to involve all of the above - with the intention of living life fully and meaningfully.

4) Troubleshoot: Of course, there will be moments in the early stages of breakup grief during which a woman may feel that familiar rush of sadness. It is in these moments that it is especially critical to stick to the behavior plan! If an activity feels too overwhelming in a particularly hard moment, that’s okay - just pick a less strenuous activity for that moment. For example, a woman several weeks after a breakup is feeling a lot better, but opens Instagram to find a photo of her ex in someone else’s post. She feels momentarily shaken, and old feelings of sadness rush back in. She was scheduled to do a grueling workout that afternoon, but feels less energy as a result of her sadness. After reminding herself that any form of physical activity will help her mood, she decides instead to take a long walk around the park while listening to music. Despite ups and downs, her commitment to behavioral activation will ultimately get her the long term benefits she is seeking. In the language of CBT, we say “action before motivation” - even when you’re not feeling like it, do the behavior anyway - the long term benefits are worth it!

Breakups can be some of the most painful losses in life, though with the right cognitive and behavioral coping strategies emotional distress can be substantially reduced. At CTWPS we are here to help you through these difficult transitions. We aim to not only to mitigate the pain, but to help you develop yourself through the experience - coming out of the process stronger than before.

The Complexity of Loss

As Dr. Loo and Dr. Silver wrote about in our previous two entries, grief and uncertainty are two of the most challenging emotions for humans to cope with, particularly in our modern world of quick fixes and immediate answers. “Ambiguous loss” - a form of unresolved grief whereby there is no certainty or closure to the loss - embodies both of these experiences. It is a concept first defined by Pauline Boss, Ph.D. in the late 1970s, as she interviewed wives of pilots missing in action in Vietnam and Southeast Asia. As Dr. Boss identified the unique features of grief and mourning experienced by these women - whose husbands were “gone but not forgotten” - she began formulating a theory to explain how and why losses of this type inflict such a heavy emotional toll on the loved ones left behind.

According to Dr. Boss, “ambiguous loss” can be of two different, but similar types. A physical ambiguous loss describes a type of grief in which loved ones are physically missing or bodily gone, but their psychological presence remains. Some common examples frequently treated at CTWPS include divorce, miscarriage and abortion. A psychological ambiguous loss is when a loved one is physically present, but psychologically absent, such as with dementia, severe mental illness or addiction.

During the course of life, we may find ourselves affected - either directly or indirectly - by several of the more common types of ambiguous loss. At a minimum, these experiences are upsetting and stressful. At their worst, the emotional complexities of these losses can be devastating, leaving those in their wake feeling helpless, hopeless, and more prone to depression, anxiety, and relationship conflict.

Ambiguous losses are not like “ordinary” losses in several important ways. With “ordinary” losses, the symbolic rituals surrounding death (e.g. funerals, burials) often serve to validate one’s grief, provide opportunities for the community to provide emotional and practical support, and may represent closure for those in mourning. However, after an ambiguous loss, no such rituals exist; oftentimes leaving those suffering feeling isolated. Further, because of the stigmatized nature of some ambiguous losses - for example, drug addiction or chronic mental illness - loved ones may choose to suffer in silence and shame.

Uncertainty regarding when a loved one might return (to health or their physical return), and whether an ambiguous loss is temporary or final also exacerbates the grieving process for those left behind. Uncertainty complicates the experience of loss by blocking one’s ability to problem-solve out of the “problem,” rendering typical coping strategies ineffective. Further, individuals experiencing ambiguous loss often liken the uncertainty of the situation to a roller-coaster of emotions. They may experience extreme ambivalence about their “lost” family member - in one moment feeling hopeful for their return, and in the next longing for an end to the waiting. Sometimes anger develops toward the loved one because of their absence or illness, only to be followed by guilt and shame for thinking negatively of them. Certainly, the tension caused by these competing, conflicting emotions can inject additional stress into what is already a very taxing emotional experience.   

Enlisting the help of a professional is advisable as one navigates the emotional complexities of ambiguous loss. A skilled psychotherapist will be a compassionate ally to their client, providing the acknowledgement and recognition of the loss that may be lacking within an individual’s personal life. The therapist will also encourage the client to seek additional emotional support from her community, urging her to include family and friends in the mourning process. This might be done by creating a personal, symbolic ritual to mark the loss, even if traditional forms of closure are not yet possible. Psychotherapy would also aim to help the client develop acceptance of the current situation, and the imperfections of life more broadly. By providing a safe place for “naming” the loss and the range of feelings one is experiencing, psychotherapy can help free one from the emotional constraints of relentless uncertainty.

At CTWPS, we understand how challenging it can be to tolerate uncertainty, particularly when the wellbeing of loved ones is at stake. As such, the focus of psychotherapy for ambiguous loss is to help clients increase their resiliency in the face of this challenge - to increase one’s tolerance for both ambiguity and change. The ultimate goal of therapy is to support the client in moving forward, through the loss, even in spite of so much uncertainty.  

If you are experiencing distress related to ambiguous loss and would like support as you navigate the mourning process, we welcome the opportunity to be of service to you. Please reach out to CTWPS if you would like to connect with one of our highly skilled psychologists.

Grief: the Universal Human Experience

What Is Grief?  

We are all likely to experience grief at some point in our lives. Grief is a universal human experience and is the most natural emotional and physical response to any significant loss. It is often characterized by emotional pain, including complex feelings of sadness, hopelessness, loneliness, relief, and anger.  In addition to the emotional components of grief, other common symptoms include, changes in appetite, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, sleep disturbance, social disengagement, and loss of interest in work or activities.

Here at CTWPS we are aware of the multitude of negative consequences that can occur in the wake of a loss. In treatment, we honor the experience of our patient’s grief while simultaneously helping her navigate the grief process in as adaptive a way as is possible.  We help our patients challenge misconceptions about grief and identify “cognitive distortions” that may be contributing to a dysfunctional grief process.

Typical Grief vs. Depression  

While there are many shared features between grief and depression, such as feelings of extreme sadness and disengagement from the world, there are key differences. Grief tends to decrease over time and to occur in waves which are triggered by thoughts, reminders, anniversaries, or memories of a loss. When a woman is grieving, she may periodically experience pleasure in some situations, such as when surrounded by family or friends. In contrast, when a woman is depressed, even brief periods of pleasure are generally missing from her life. Depression tends to be more persistent and pervasive and is often marked by a grim outlook on the future and a negative self-view. Some patients have described it as though they have fallen into a black hole with no hope of ever getting out.

Common Myths and Misconceptions About Grief

In addition to the pain we naturally feel in the wake of a loss, many people accept myths and misconceptions about the grief process and the ways in which they are “supposed” to grieve. Such misconceptions often exacerbate pain and confusion by causing us to question whether there is something wrong with us if we aren’t doing grief “right”.  

Here at CTWPS we help our patients identify distorted thought patterns (cognitive distortions) about how they “should” be functioning and handling the grief process. Such distortions are likely to impede their ability to adaptively adjust to the loss and may result in feelings such as inappropriate guilt and shame. Let’s begin challenging some of those misconceptions and cognitive distortions together:

Myth/Distortion #1: Grief is a linear and predictable process.

Reality: Grief comes in waves and is often not a linear, predictable process. Rather, when we are in the process of grieving, our thoughts and emotions tend to vacillate throughout the hours, weeks, days, and months after a loss. Grief is a highly individualized process and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. While experiencing grief, we encourage our clients to refrain from comparing themselves to how others grieve, even when they have experienced the same type of loss. We try to dispel the myth that there is a definitive timeline for the grief process.

Myth/Distortion#2: Grief only happens when someone dies.

Reality: Grief takes many different forms and can be a natural response to many different types of losses other than death. Such losses might include a breakup, divorce, estrangement from a family member, death of a pet, or a miscarriage. Here are CTWPS we help our clients name and process these losses and aid them in understanding how to navigate their loss as they move into an unexpected reality.

Myth/Distortion #3: I should have done more or prevented this loss.

Some women experiencing grief may find themselves engaging in “should statements,” which are cognitive distortions based on the erroneous assumption that we or others are obligated to behave in a certain way.  When a patient has the thought “I should have done more” “or I should have prevented my mother from dying,” she is likely to experience intense feelings of guilt as a result. We might help our patient reframe her perception of the loss with more realistic alternative thoughts based on her specific situation, such as “I am not in control of life and death.  I am so sad without my mother, and I did what was in my power to help her.”

Myth/Distortion #4: I should be back to normal by now.

Other common “should statements” that may arise during the grief process are related to unrealistic expectations about the grief process. We frequently hear women say things like “It’s been 6 months, I thought I would be normal by now.” Grief is a unique process and there is no set time-limit or “cure.” Such “should statements” are likely to put undue pressure on a woman and provoke feelings of anxiety about when and how she will ever return to her old self. Such thoughts may also provoke feelings of guilt or shame about the fact that she is not meeting her own or other’s expectations about the “normal” timeline of the grief process.

Most women have experienced or will experience grief at some point in their lives. While it is normal to feel sadness and other negative emotions in response to grief, dysfunctional thought patterns can result in complicated grief and depression. Here at CTWPS we utilize CBT to help women cope with losses in a healthy manner by making space for the grieving process while at the same time working towards adapting to a “new normal”. If you’ve experienced a loss and you’d like support in navigating this process, please reach out to us.

The Life Skill of Tolerating Uncertainty

Finding answers to our everyday questions is often as quick as our WiFi access. We can type a question into a search engine and expect helpful information, from where-to-go-for-my-next-vacation to how-to-keep-my-plant-alive. Our access to answers clearly benefits us in innumerable ways; we can become self-taught hobbyists, language learners, and world news consumers from home. Our devices can be programmed to generate immediate responses; after all, we are encouraged to ask Siri, Alexa, or “just Google it”. However, there is one answer that a search engine will never plainly give us: “I don’t know.” 

As cognitive behavioral psychologists, we have found that the expectation of having one’s questions immediately answered negatively impacts the necessary life skill of tolerating uncertainty.

After all, most life transitions come with an inherent amount of ambiguity and more questions! We recognize that these moments can be challenging, tiring, and even painful. However, when women leave no room for the uncertain, they often experience greater levels of anxiety, self-criticism, and over-functioning as they try to answer questions that may require patience, openness, and an acknowledgment of our human limits. If you struggle to tolerate uncertainty, consider how we help our patients talk back to three of common and related beliefs: 

Belief 1: Uncertainty means something bad will happen. 

A hallmark feature of cognitive behavioral therapy is an evidence-driven approach to thinking. We love gathering data - and often ask our patients to become keen observers of their own lives before drawing conclusions about the meaning of a situation. Since uncertainty can feel unnerving, especially in situations we care about, we can become self-protective and brace ourselves for a worst-case scenario. We can mistakenly conclude that uncertainty forecasts a bad outcome. However, a lack of data is not evidence - consider how this reasoning would never hold in a court of law! For example, say a woman starts to date someone who she finds interesting and kind; however, she believes that if he does not share explicitly how he thinks and feels about her, it must mean that he will inevitably reject her. In therapy, we would work with this woman to tolerate that uncertainty is a normative part of the initial dating process as she gets to know her potential partner. In fact, presuming an unwanted outcome in this case may encourage anxiety-driven behaviors and misperception of cues that may actually encourage the feared outcome, rather than remaining open to experiences that will be informative and even clarifying. 

Belief 2: Uncertainty means that I have not done enough to ensure my desired outcome.

Sometimes we may conclude that not knowing an outcome indicates a failure on our part - after all, we are an outcomes-oriented culture and often feel good about ourselves to the extent that we can show results. However, it is important to recognize that sometimes the answer “I don’t know” is not data that we have fallen short, but in fact may indicate that our specific circumstance warrants growth and vulnerability. Alternatively, the evidence may interpreted neutrally in that the situation we are in is a complex one that takes multiple stages or collaboration with others before being resolved. Making sure to contextualize and identify the major factors in a situation can help de-personalize uncertainty as individual failure. For example, if the woman described above does not know yet if she can imagine her new dating partner to be a life-long partner, she may place unrealistic pressure on herself to “figure it out”. She may become unhelpfully ruminative, place an unrealistic timeline on the relationship, or begin over-functioning (i.e., assuming full responsibility) leaving her constantly anxious, self-critical, and in the least optimal emotional space to be present for the relationship and her partner.

Belief 3: Feeling uncertain means that I am helpless or out of control.

Tolerating uncertainty can definitely feel uncomfortable - although it does not mean that we must remain passive. As cognitive behavioral psychologists, we emphasize the concept of “agency” - meaning we encourage our patients to shape their own lives and situations when they can. However, being “agentic” is not the same as having full control of outcomes. While we don’t have a crystal ball to look into the future, we can choose to make moments of uncertainty valuable and constructive. We always encourage our patients to ask questions, learn from others, and identify the personal strengths that have gotten us this far. We can take steps to exercise self-care, nurture our relationships, and reach out for support as we await an unknown outcome. We can take the opportunity to practice mindfulness of the present - that is, observing our day-to-day thoughts, emotions, and decisions that we in fact do exert influence over and grow in self-awareness. In the same example described above, a woman who is dating can view the situation as an opportunity to grow in self-awareness as she takes risks in meeting potential partners. Like any other skill, learning to tolerate uncertainty takes practice! 

Choosing to tolerate the unknown can be a proactive step and more helpful than the alternative. We develop flexibility, resourcefulness, bravery, and humility when we encounter uncertainty; we are reminded we do not and cannot know everything – which can be a welcome freedom if we let it. 

Living with  - not around - a Chronic Health Condition

Being diagnosed with a chronic health condition can be a distressing experience. Chronic health conditions, such as endometriosis, lupus, and gastrointestinal disorders, require lifestyle changes that impact a woman’s relationship with herself, her family and friends, her work, and her environment. Here at CTWPS, we support women through the psychological and behavioral adjustments of living life with a chronic health condition. Below are three ways that we empower women to manage their health as they continue to live meaningful lives.

1. Check your thinking. 

When a woman is first diagnosed with a chronic health condition, she may notice herself engaging with thoughts, such as: This will never get better; I’m always going to be sick; or My life is only about my health.

In therapy, we empower women to recognize that while these thoughts do highlight the stressful and often uncertain nature of a chronic health diagnosis, they are nonetheless maladaptive because they often result in a feeling of helplessness, contributing to depression and anxiety that can exacerbate physical health symptoms. In treatment, we teach women how to check the evidence and revise their thoughts to be less rigid.  In turn, women often notice feeling more hopeful and motivated to engage actively and openly in their lives. 

For example, a woman may check her thought “I will never get better” by first honoring the truth in the thus far chronic nature of her condition, and then also recognizing times that she was able to attend an important event, go on a vacation, and complete day-to-day tasks fully. We recognize that it can be tempting to get stuck in a mental filter focused on negative health experiences, but “balancing the evidence” can help expand her focus and also notice her ability to engage in meaningful ways when she is feeling well. 

2. Get to know your body with chronic illness. 

Women may also get stuck in worrying about the uncertainty of their health condition, asking themselves such questions as: What if my symptoms get worse? What if my symptoms flare up while I am away from my home? Should I get another doctor’s opinion about a treatment recommendation? The uncertainty and lack of complete control over one’s body and symptoms may make women feel frustrated, resentful, and confused. Coupled with helpless thoughts that she will not get better, she may resort to isolating behaviors and unhealthy coping skills, such as excessive sleeping, avoiding social engagements, or over-relying on food for comfort.

In therapy, we encourage each woman to learn more about her unique body with chronic illness, as this has been found to increase the ability to cope with symptoms. Specifically, this knowledge will provide her with data regarding potential precipitating factors, patterns in flare-ups, and variables that may impact the frequency and duration of flare-ups. This data is empowering if it provides her with a lens to influence and manage symptom flare-ups. 

One technique we often use to help women become more attuned to their bodies is called Symptom Tracking. By consistently tracking her symptoms, including type, severity and duration, as well as coping mechanisms that she has tried, we are able to identify any patterns or triggers for her symptoms that may otherwise go unnoticed. In turn, she will have more specific information to share with her health care team, and she can use this information to inform decisions regarding making plans. For example, someone with a chronic gastrointestinal disorder may track her symptoms and learn that a certain food group leads to a severe flare-up in her symptoms. This information helps her feel in control over reducing the probability of a flare-up, which affords her the opportunity to go out with her friends to a restaurant without worrying about her stomach’s reaction. 

Using a symptom tracker can also provide helpful information about the efficacy of different coping skills and pain management techniques. Collecting specific information about what helps can be empowering because it provides increased hope and flexibility. Without this information, a woman may fear her symptoms and/or flare-ups in symptoms because she is unsure about how to manage them. As she learns more about ways to manage, she may find herself more willing to make plans and tolerate the possibility of a flare-up because she feels more confident in being able to problem solve.  

3. Live your life with chronic illness, not around it. 

A common thought among women when first learning how to manage their chronic illness is: “I can’t make plans because I can’t predict how I will feel at that time.” In turn, a woman who harbors this thought may develop a conditional rule that “if I can’t be certain that I will feel well, then I shouldn’t risk making plans.” Consequently, this approach to coping often leads to avoidance, and she may notice that her world becomes smaller, and primarily focused on her health (e.g., medical appointments). Additionally, through avoiding making plans, she reinforces the fear that she will experience a symptom flare-up while engaging in these plans. When she turns down activities and events, she also reinforces depressing feelings and resentful thoughts about being deprived of engaging in her life due to chronic illness. 

A risk in living according to this rule is missing out on opportunities to engage in meaningful activities that improve one’s psychological well-being. Here at CTWPS, we work with women to adjust this rule, trying an approach that involves making those plans without predicting the future, and trusting that the plans can be adjusted if a symptom flare-up occurs. By taking this approach, she learns to live her life flexibly, expanding her world to include planning and engaging in meaningful activities, and recognizing that she can engage in problem solving to adjust those plans if needed. 

Through practicing these skills in balancing thoughts and engaging in healthy coping behaviors, a woman can feel more empowered to live her life in a meaningful way while managing chronic illness. If you are seeking support in navigating your journey in living life with chronic illness, we are here and ready to support you. 

Cognitive Strategies For Getting Through A Breakup

We’ve all been through it. The end of a romantic relationship comes with a special pain that can be difficult to manage. A unique quality of romantic breakups, and what makes them differ from other losses, is how deeply they can impact our thinking about ourselves and the future. Some examples of maladaptive thinking that can come up after a breakup include:

If only I were more chill about things, this wouldn’t have ended.

I can’t hang on to a relationship, I must be unlovable.

What a horrible waste of two years, now I’m even more desperate.

I’ll never have the kind of love that I see my friends have.

All of these examples are rooted in cognitive distortions, and for some women, getting caught in negative thinking traps after a breakup can lead to longer lasting symptoms of depression, anxiety, sleep disturbance, and general stress. At CTWPS we help women to identify these distortions, and to develop healthier, reality-based thinking about the breakup process, which can help speed up her healing and get her moving in a more constructive direction. If you find yourself struggling through a breakup, below are important common cognitive distortions to keep in mind.

1) Should Statements: “I should be handling this better”. A common distortion for some women is “shoulds thinking”, which means having strict expectations about how things should be, or how one should feel and behave. This distortion can be especially strong in the initial days of a breakup, with should statements popping up in many ways, i.e. “we should still be together”, “I should be feeling stronger about this”, “we should be communicating less”, “I shouldn’t feel so needy right now”. Inherent in all of these statements is self-criticism and judgment, as well as arbitrary rule-making. These thoughts can set a woman up for even further distress and disappointment if not kept in check. If you find yourself using the language of “shoulds” frequently in those early days, you’re not alone! The first strategy for addressing shoulds thinking is to catch it, recognize it as a distortion, and rework it more realistically in your mind. For example, for the thought “I shouldn’t feel so sad”, we would first identify it as a should statement, and then break it down and rework it, i.e. “Why shouldn’t I feel sad? It is a common, expected emotional reaction that has a natural course. It is quite important to be flexible with myself in the early days of a breakup, to allow myself permission to feel my feelings and to cut myself some slack, understanding that I may not be operating at my full capacity at first. I won’t feel sad forever, but for now I will be more patient with my sadness and give myself what I need.” By reworking the distortion in this way, a woman is able to comfort and nurture herself, rather than judge and criticize. Be mindful of moments in which you are slipping into “shoulds”, and remind yourself that there is no one correct way to manage the first few days after a breakup. Accept the breakup, expect some pain, and be patient with yourself.

2) Personalization/Control Fallacies: “I could have avoided this”. Often after a breakup women look for reasons to blame themselves, or go through the relationship with a fine-tooth comb looking for where she may have gone wrong; i.e., “If only my expectations weren’t so high, we’d still be together”, “I’m so damaged of course the relationship was bound to end”, “I messed up by not maintaining his/her happiness”. These thoughts and behaviors are examples of how the personalization and control fallacy distortions can slow down a woman’s healing after a breakup. As the name implies, the personalization distortion occurs when a woman takes personal responsibility and blame for all negative things that happen, even without evidence for doing so. The control fallacy distortion has a similar effect; it is predicated on the belief that one is in complete control of one’s life, experiences and environment, making one responsible for anything that might happen. The danger of these distortions is that they can prolong a woman’s pain, and reinforce negative beliefs about herself as unlovable or incapable of maintaining a relationship. The way we might address this kind of thinking in therapy is by recognizing it for what it is, and replacing the distorted thinking with more reality-based assessments. For example, if a woman comes in saying “We broke up because I’m such a mess”, we may break down the personalization and self-blame, replacing it with something more rooted in reality; “We broke up because we hit a wall in our compatibility, and could no longer fulfill each other’s needs. That goes both ways, and it is no one’s fault. Neither of us is perfect, but this relationship did not end because of a fundamental flaw in me. Rather breakups happen all the time - more often than not, in fact - to even the most ‘together’ individuals.” Look for where you might be personalizing your breakup, and practice critically analyzing your logic. Neutralize self-blame and practice balance in the story you tell about the breakup.  

3) Fortune telling: “I’ll never find love”. This is a big one! Many of us find that after a breakup we draw conclusions about ourselves and our futures based on the pain we are feeling in the moment, i.e. “I’ll never find love”, I’ll be alone forever”, “I’ll never stop feeling this miserable.” These are examples of the cognitive distortion of fortune telling, or the tendency to make predictions or jump to conclusions based on little or no evidence, and clinging to them as absolute truth. As with the other cognitive distortions in this list, fortune telling only serves to perpetuate one’s pain and hopelessness after a breakup. We all know that there is no way to know for certain what is going to happen in the future, so by committing to our fortune telling we are mourning an outcome that has not and may not ever happen! In therapy we would try to integrate a more balanced approach, by first acknowledging when fortune telling is occurring, then evaluating our real data, and then generating alternate possible outcomes. For example, with a woman who says “I’ve gone through several breakups at this point, I’ll never be able to maintain a relationship”, the work of therapy would be to evaluate what we can say is true and we cannot. We may restructure her statement as follows: “Looking back at my past breakups, I see behaviors that I would want to work on, like communicating my feelings more openly and feeling more confident in my needs, but I have no reason to believe I can’t develop those skills and meet a partner who will be a better fit for me.” By drawing conclusions based on evidence as opposed to conjecture, this woman is better able to do constructive work to get herself toward her goal, instead of staying mired in hopelessness. Challenge baseless predictions about the future!

Addressing cognitive distortions is a critical part of making it through the breakup process healthier and stronger. One reason why it can take a long time to recover from a breakup is because of our allegiance to thoughts and behaviors that end up making us feel worse. By staying self-aware and tracking any thinking traps, the healing process can happen much faster and with a much better outcome. Behavioral interventions are another important part of this process; stay tuned for Part II of this series in which we will address behavioral strategies for working through a breakup.

Tips for Managing Social Anxiety

Tips for Managing Social Anxiety 

Do you feel self-conscious in social settings? Do you avoid meeting new people or new social situations because of a fear of being negatively judged by others? If so, you may have social anxiety. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 12% of adults experience social anxiety disorder at some point in their lifetime, with women being nearly twice as likely to experience social anxiety as compared with men. 

Here at CTWPS, we recognize the negative impact that social anxiety can have on a woman’s capacity to develop and sustain friendships and romantic relationships, as well as her career growth.  In treatment, we help women overcome their social anxiety by identifying their “thinking traps” and changing the behaviors that prevent them from achieving their goals. If you struggle with social anxiety, consider whether you may engage in any of the below thinking traps:

1. Fortune-Telling Error: The fortune-telling error occurs when a woman assumes that a future event is going to have a negative outcome. Instead of considering the probability of the negative outcome, or evaluating the evidence that either supports or contradicts the occurrence of such an outcome, the woman instead believes that this prediction is already an established fact.  For example, before going to a networking event in New York City, a woman with social anxiety may engage in thoughts such as: “My mind will go blank and I won’t know what to say” or “I will say something embarrassing.” After the event, this woman might continue to engage in distorted thoughts about the interaction, such as: “What’s the point of putting myself out there, I will continue to mess up when I meet new people.” Engaging in these types of distorted thoughts may result in negative feelings such as anxiety, sadness, or hopelessness, which in turn may cause this woman to avoid or dread future social interactions. In treatment, we would work with this woman to consider alternative outcomes and evaluate past data from social interactions to help her arrive at a more realistic, neutral narrative about the upcoming networking event. For example, we might ask her to consider past social interactions in which her mind did not go blank and she was able to have a “successful” conversation with a colleague or friend. We would also help her generate alternative predictions for how the upcoming event might unfold, such as “I may not always have the perfect thing to say but that doesn’t mean I’m not a good conversationalist” or “Even if my mind goes blank momentarily, it is okay to have lulls in a conversation.”

2. Mind Reading:  The mind reading error occurs when a woman assumes that she knows what other people are thinking without investigating whether or not her assumption is true. Often, women with social anxiety  assume that others are perceiving them in a negative manner when in fact this may not actually be the case. For example, during a perfectly pleasant conversation on a date the above woman may think to herself: “He notices that I’m blushing and sweating and can tell how nervous I am” or “He thinks I’m awkward.” In treatment, we might help this woman generate a list of alternative possibilities for how her date may have experienced her. For example, he may not have actually noticed that she was blushing or sweating, or he may have thought she was sweating because she was warm. We would also invite her to consider how catastrophic her “worst case scenario” would actually be - what if her date did notice that she was nervous? Would that necessarily make her awkward or unlikable? Or, is it possible that he could find her nervousness endearing, or even relieving in light of his own nervousness? 

3. Labelling: Labelling occurs when a woman generalizes a single error or negative event into a negative global judgment about herself. For example, a woman attending a networking event for work may engage in distorted thoughts about how she will perform, such as: “This is not going to go well because I’m incompetent.” After the event, this woman may engage in distorted thoughts about her social interactions, such as: “I didn’t network with the people I should have. I’m a failure.” Such thinking traps are likely to make this woman feeling sad, or even angry, at herself. In treatment, we might approach such critical self-labelling by asking the woman how she would interpret the same situation if it happened to a friend. For example, if a friend of hers went to a work event and did not talk to people she would have liked to network with, would that mean she was as failure? Most likely the woman would not judge her friend as harshly as she judged herself, and she may even be able to generate evidence of times when her friend was successful at work. If we wouldn’t label someone else a failure for such a mistake, than we shouldn’t label ourselves!

Most women have experienced some social anxiety at some point in their lives, and for some women it can be debilitating. While social anxiety can be distressing it does not have to prevent you from achieving your goals or developing fulfilling relationships! CBT has been shown to be the most effective treatment for relieving social anxiety and helping women feel more comfortable and competent in social situations. If you’re experiencing social anxiety, and you’d like to make a change, please reach out to us for support.