The Awkwardness of Authenticity
When we try something new in front of other people, we tend to worry about judgment or other negative consequences. And we tend to feel awkward because the experience between us is novel and unpracticed. But the feeling of awkwardness doesn’t mean we actually are awkward (thankfully!). But feeling awkward typically goes hand in hand with feeling vulnerable.
We are often unaware that feeling awkward and taking emotional risks in front of other people eases them.
Why? Because vulnerability cues other people that your communication is authentic and sincere. It also cues other people that they too could be awkward, vulnerable, and authentic in safety. That they too can try something new in front of others.
No one can authentically connect with others without some vulnerability. If you have a hard time believing this, consider whether you have ever felt safely connected to someone who never displayed at least some vulnerability with you.
So even when it might feel initially awkward for you, it might be time to reframe vulnerability and awkwardness as the necessary starter ingredients for authentic connection.
Motherfectionism
Motherfectionism: the cultural and intrapsychic insistence that mothers be perfect vessels of love and nurturance; responsible for, and in control of, all aspects of her child’s behavior and outcome.
OK, so I made up my own word. But it’s probably about time because it describes a process mothers often experience, and that I am witness to in my private practice and personal life. There are more examples of motherfectionism than I can count because women still bear the lion’s share of the emotional, logistic, and physical labor of parenting. And any form of perfectionism is first and foremost a coping strategy.
Why am I framing the challenges of motherhood through this lens? Because I believe that our role as women’s mental health psychologists is to consciously not reinforce perfectionistic, unrealistic standards for mothers. Indeed, there is a whole parenting advice industry that serves to replicate these standards, replete with two minute TikToks of confident, easy wins with our kids. I can’t tell you how many therapy sessions I have shared with mothers who feel confusion and shame in their parenting in the reflective glare of TikTok advice.
I believe our role as women’s mental health psychologists is to acknowledge the complexity of parenting, and to shore up resilience within our female clientele for the emotional and pragmatic complexities - and labor - of motherhood. While we can offer parenting advice if needed, our job is to support you with all the flexibility and creativity that parenting requires. Just like we do with every other important area in your life.
Schemas of aging: how they might actually impact how we age
If I were to say “close your eyes and picture a college dorm,” what image would your mind paint for you? You’d probably visualize a pretty nondescript room with twin beds, posters on the wall, a desk with a computer sitting on it, etc. But what if I were to say “close your eyes and picture a person in middle age.” Or, “picture a person in their 70s.” Now what do you see?
For a lot of us, thinking about aging usually evokes images and beliefs related to loss. Loss of mobility, health, beauty, or of feeling care-free. These beliefs and images are called “schemas,” and they can have a very powerful impact on how we move through life. Sometimes these schemas can be useful; like when my dorm room schema pops in my head and reminds me to buy the right sized sheets before move-in day, for instance.
But what effects might these loss-heavy age-related schemas be having on us? Well, as Dr. Becca Levy details in her book “Breaking the Age Code,” research shows a significant relationship between such schemas and medical illnesses like high blood pressure, Alzheimer’s dementia, and heart disease (to name just a few). Simply put, those who endorsed more fatalistic beliefs about aging were statistically much more likely to experience actual health problems in older age.
In contrast, Dr. Levy found that those with more favorable attitudes towards aging were also more likely to recover from disability at a quicker rate, have better memory performance, and yes, even live longer. In other words, these individuals are living a self-fulfilling prophecy that is actually fulfilling!
How did they do it, you ask? According to Dr. Levy, this process involves three stages:
Developing a greater awareness of harmful aging schemas- as they exist in both ourselves and in our external environments.
Tracing these schemas to their original source: a society that conditions us to fear aging as a means of profit. ($75 wrinkle cream, anyone?)
Disrupting and replacing these beliefs the moment they pop into our heads
If this process sounds familiar to you, you might either already be a patient at CTW, or at the very least have read some of our previous blog entries. Because what Dr. Levy describes here is at the very heart of the work we do in our therapy sessions.
Together with our patients, CTW psychologists take time to unearth these schemas, explore their roots, and examine the vines they have grown. And if they are found to be the viscous, choking kind, we then work to apply some cognitive “weed killer,” so to speak. We attack them with relevant information (e.g., that it is possible to remain healthy and active as an older adult) and plant more nourishing beliefs (e.g., “being alive for longer gives me more time to explore the world and discover exciting new things about it”) in their place.
Just like actual weeds, these schemas of ours are often pesky and persistent. They sprout easily, demand regular intervention, and are impossible to prevent entirely. But that is no reason to let them grow wild and literally strangle the life out of an otherwise thriving existence. So if you are one of the many people out there who struggle to imagine themselves flourishing with age, perhaps this is your sign to get back in the garden and start digging.
You don’t have to do it alone, either. We are here to help. Contact us today to get started!
About Those New Beginnings
In the Northeast, we are pretty much programmed to anticipate new beginnings in September. We may feel a surge of inspiration and energy that catapults us out of the last vestiges of summer.
Changes in season often reflect in our mood, at least temporarily. A key aspect of managing our moods is recognizing the transience of mood. Everything - including our mood - changes. And while external factors, like a seasonal shift, might impact us briefly, we don’t always have to make a larger negative story out of it. Sometimes our meta-story about our mood is the culprit in worsening it. For example, a client might say “Every winter I get depressed”, and the result of that belief is that she feels anticipatory anxiety and dread as the winter approaches. But a further examination of that statement reveals that most winters (not all) she feels a brief but significant drop in her mood that signals her to then anchor herself in her coping skills, and shift herself out of that low mood. So a reframe of that statement could be “I typically feel a significant mood drop in late November. I am going to try to get ahead of that by being proactive and practicing my repertoire of coping skills to either prevent, or move more quickly out of a depressed mood if it arises.”
Changes in mood are inevitable. But our power lies in our willingness to directly influence the meaning we give to those changes. If you would like support in doing just that, we’d love to help!
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Shining a Light on Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders
As a clinician whose practice focuses on all aspects of maternal mental health, I was motivated to write June’s blog after reading a tragically resounding story that recently made national news. Among other reactions I had, this story reminded me that the information I hold as a specialist in this area is not common knowledge for the majority of women in this country. As such, through this month’s blog I hope to educate, normalize, and destigmatize a disorder that affects so many American mothers and their loved ones.
Arianna Sutton had a history of postpartum depression after the birth of her first child. But after her second pregnancy, her symptoms returned more quickly and stronger. Nine days after giving birth to twins, Arianna died by suicide. Tragically, Ariana’s story is not uncommon. Moreso, it underscores the importance for awareness of and knowledge about the most common pregnancy related complication: perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs).
What are PMADs?
PMADs include a variety of disorders and symptoms that a woman may experience during both her pregnancy and the year following birth. Postpartum depression is the most commonly known among them, but it is just one experience that fits under the PMAD umbrella. Specifically, additional disorders include anxiety, panic disorder, postpartum bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and postpartum psychosis.
According to Postpartum Support International, approximately 15 to 20% of women (or approximately one in seven) will experience symptoms consistent with PMADs. Additionally, women with a history of clinical depression or anxiety are at a significantly greater risk for developing PMADs, and those who have experienced PMADs during pregnancy are more likely to experience recurring symptoms in subsequent pregnancies. But important to also note is that a woman can be diagnosed with PMADs even if she did not experience symptoms during previous pregnancies.
Although it captures most of the PMAD-related headlines, postpartum psychosis is a rare experience that occurs in 0.1% of women with onset two to four weeks postpartum (Postpartum Support International). Symptoms include, elated high mood, overactivity, racing thoughts, confusion, mania, suicidal or homicidal thoughts/actions, hallucinations and delusions. Though postpartum psychosis is a medical emergency that often requires hospitalization and medication, with early intervention, symptoms can typically resolve within weeks (Postpartum Support International).
In contrast, the so-called “baby blues” is a very common postpartum experience that occurs within two weeks of birth and whose symptoms include weepiness, fatigue, anxiety, and difficulty sleeping. Though the baby blues are typically resolved with simple self-care practices, if symptoms persist beyond three weeks postpartum, a diagnosis of PMADs may be considered.
Additional PMADs symptoms to be aware of include
Feeling sad or depressed
Irritability or increased anger
Difficulty bonding with your baby
Feeling high or elated above and beyond what is typical
Reduced need/desire for sleep
Anxiety of feeling panicky
Upsetting thoughts that you can’t get out of your mind
Feeling as if you are “out of control” or “going crazy”
Feeling like you should never have become a parent
Worries that you might hurt your baby or yourself