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What Do YOU Think About It All?
One of my favorite holidays is New Year’s Day. It’s a contemplative, peaceful day for me, and I typically spend time reviewing the past year, and setting my intentions for the new year. This year I’ve been thinking a lot about the quote “Other people’s thoughts are not your business”, ascribed to everyone from the Buddha to Marcus Aurelius to Lisa Nichols, Regina Brett, and Steve Harvey to name just a few!
Regardless of the original source, there is wisdom in this concept. From a cognitive-behavioral perspective, one of the reasons it holds up is because other people don’t have “all of the data” included in your life and decisions, so how can they accurately judge your situation at any given moment? And with the hundreds of people we encounter in the world each year, there are just too many people we encounter to give each of them that kind of influence. We simply can’t afford our perspective to be pulled in every direction possible by someone else’s thoughts or perspective.
And I don't know about you, but the opposite is also true: I wouldn't want all of MY thoughts to be made other people's business arbitrarily!
People pleasing is one of the ways we make other people's thoughts our business. At its core, people pleasing simply means “I let go of my center, needs, and perspective in service of what I assume are your needs and perspective”. The motivations for people pleasing can range from hoping other people will like us or take care of us more if we please them, to misperceiving people pleasing as a form of true caretaking. But regardless of the motivation, excessive people pleasing ultimately becomes an impossible task because frankly, there are simply too many people to please them all. And most importantly, people pleasing pulls us off of focus because we are no longer paying attention to our own perspective, needs, and values. In this way, people pleasing disrupts intimacy as it prevents others from actually knowing us.
One of my intentions for 2024 is to not expend ANY energy on mind reading or adjusting to people’s unexpressed thoughts, concerns, or opinions. That doesn’t mean I won’t consider other people’s expressed opinions, with the caveat that they come from someone who has earned my trust. But in order to take better emotional care of myself in 2024, I will remind myself daily that other people’s thoughts are truly none of my business.
Coping with Grief During the Holidays
Can we feel joy, longing, and grief at the same time? For many, the holidays bring up this bittersweet mix of emotion.
The holiday season can be a particularly activating time when we are mourning the loss of a loved one. Specifically, experiencing grief (and all of its related emotions) while others are in “holiday cheer” mode may prompt us to try and match that joyful energy, even if superficially. And sometimes it feels too hard, and we feel compelled to actually isolate ourselves from others (e.g., turning down party invites). Or we might at least perceive ourselves as being isolated from them (e.g., “no one at this party understands what I’m going through.”).
Holidays can also be tied to meaningful memories and traditions with our lost loved one. And depending on where you are in your grief work, the thought of even participating in those traditions is too provocative. Additionally, trying to manage the anticipatory anxiety of various challenges these days may bring is emotionally draining and can leave you feeling further unmoored. This can also be mixed with breakthroughs of joy.
So if you are one of the many people currently coping with grief and struggling to find your footing this holiday season, here are some guiding points:
Identify and honor what works for you: Define how you want to personally navigate your holiday and entitle yourself to enact your plan regardless of what other people think you should do. Some people feel more comfortable skipping the holidays altogether, while others find it helpful to either engage in their familiar traditions, create new rituals that honor their lost loved one, or some combination of both. The bottom line is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve; decide instead what feels right to you and empower yourself to enact it.
Plan ahead to cope with the hard days: Learning when and how grief may show up for you can help you better manage your pain in a healthy way. In contrast, living in a state of perpetual anxiety about how awful your upcoming holidays might be can in fact distract you from effectively planning for them or enjoying them. As a result, you may be more vulnerable to engaging in unhealthy coping strategies that will likely make you feel worse in the long term.
Instead, by actively looking ahead at the days, traditions, memories, etc. that might be the toughest for you to experience, you are giving yourself an opportunity to navigate those challenges more adaptively. In other words, taking stock of your struggles can help you make a specific plan for how to best contend with them. By compiling an inventory of your own available coping strategies and reflecting on which situations they are most suited for, you will feel more anchored and confident in your ability to weather the stormy holiday season ahead.
3. Set boundaries: Once you have identified which holiday coping plan works best for you, the next step is to effectively communicate that plan to others. Being as transparent as possible with family and friends is an important way to ensure that your plan is respected, even if it is initially challenged. Remaining consistent about your boundaries is an important part of your grief work. Because after all, being empowered to both mourn (and celebrate!) the holidays in accordance with your own core values offers you the healthiest method of coping possible.
If any of this resonates with you this holiday season, or if you would like some support with taking any of these steps, our team at CTWPS is ready to help!
The Awkwardness of Authenticity
When we try something new in front of other people, we tend to worry about judgment or other negative consequences. And we tend to feel awkward because the experience between us is novel and unpracticed. But the feeling of awkwardness doesn’t mean we actually are awkward (thankfully!). But feeling awkward typically goes hand in hand with feeling vulnerable.
We are often unaware that feeling awkward and taking emotional risks in front of other people eases them.
Why? Because vulnerability cues other people that your communication is authentic and sincere. It also cues other people that they too could be awkward, vulnerable, and authentic in safety. That they too can try something new in front of others.
No one can authentically connect with others without some vulnerability. If you have a hard time believing this, consider whether you have ever felt safely connected to someone who never displayed at least some vulnerability with you.
So even when it might feel initially awkward for you, it might be time to reframe vulnerability and awkwardness as the necessary starter ingredients for authentic connection.
Suffering Estrangement
Merriam-Webster defines estrangement as “a state of alienation from a previous close or familial relationship”. In my clinical experience, estrangement from a family member or friend is not particularly unusual but rarely gets the clinical attention it deserves. It has been cited that 5-17% of family members in the U.S. have been estranged from one another*, and that figure does not include other forms of close relationship. In my clinical work, and in my personal life, I have noticed a subtle tendency to negatively judge those that have experienced estrangement in any way.
This blog will offer suggestions on how to support a friend or family member who is estranged from someone with whom they used to be close:
Helpful Statements and Behaviors
Understand that it takes only one party to estrange, but two to maintain a relationship.
Assume estrangement is a personal experience - even if it has repercussions for a larger family or friend group - and use your judgment to determine if you should comment at all.
Validate that the decision to estrange oneself (to be the “estranger”), or the experience of being estranged must have been difficult and likely painful.
Acknowledge that estrangement can happen to the best of us.
Never assume you understand the depth of decision-making that went into estrangement, or that the one estranged fully understands or agrees with the decision.
Ask how you could be most supportive to your friend or family member on this issue.
Unhelpful Statements or Behaviors
Avoid dismissive statements challenging the estrangement like “Blood is thicker than water” , “How could you not speak to your mother? You only have one!” or “Don’t worry. This is just a phase, you’ve known eachother forever!”
These types of statements imply that the estranger has been impulsive or even inappropriate in their decision-making. Or that the one who has been estranged has full control over the relationship and should pursue it for some larger good. Psychology Today reports, “the causes of estrangement can include abuse, neglect, betrayal, bullying, unaddressed mental illness, not being supportive, destructive behavior, or substance abuse.”* And this does not even begin to include other potential sources of disconnect or conflict.
Avoid making character judgments about those in estranged relationships. Unless someone estranges themselves from the majority of people in her life, the estranged relationship is usually distinct.