Can we feel joy, longing, and grief at the same time? For many, the holidays bring up this bittersweet mix of emotion.
The holiday season can be a particularly activating time when we are mourning the loss of a loved one. Specifically, experiencing grief (and all of its related emotions) while others are in “holiday cheer” mode may prompt us to try and match that joyful energy, even if superficially. And sometimes it feels too hard, and we feel compelled to actually isolate ourselves from others (e.g., turning down party invites). Or we might at least perceive ourselves as being isolated from them (e.g., “no one at this party understands what I’m going through.”).
Holidays can also be tied to meaningful memories and traditions with our lost loved one. And depending on where you are in your grief work, the thought of even participating in those traditions is too provocative. Additionally, trying to manage the anticipatory anxiety of various challenges these days may bring is emotionally draining and can leave you feeling further unmoored. This can also be mixed with breakthroughs of joy.
So if you are one of the many people currently coping with grief and struggling to find your footing this holiday season, here are some guiding points:
Identify and honor what works for you: Define how you want to personally navigate your holiday and entitle yourself to enact your plan regardless of what other people think you should do. Some people feel more comfortable skipping the holidays altogether, while others find it helpful to either engage in their familiar traditions, create new rituals that honor their lost loved one, or some combination of both. The bottom line is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve; decide instead what feels right to you and empower yourself to enact it.
Plan ahead to cope with the hard days: Learning when and how grief may show up for you can help you better manage your pain in a healthy way. In contrast, living in a state of perpetual anxiety about how awful your upcoming holidays might be can in fact distract you from effectively planning for them or enjoying them. As a result, you may be more vulnerable to engaging in unhealthy coping strategies that will likely make you feel worse in the long term.
Instead, by actively looking ahead at the days, traditions, memories, etc. that might be the toughest for you to experience, you are giving yourself an opportunity to navigate those challenges more adaptively. In other words, taking stock of your struggles can help you make a specific plan for how to best contend with them. By compiling an inventory of your own available coping strategies and reflecting on which situations they are most suited for, you will feel more anchored and confident in your ability to weather the stormy holiday season ahead.
3. Set boundaries: Once you have identified which holiday coping plan works best for you, the next step is to effectively communicate that plan to others. Being as transparent as possible with family and friends is an important way to ensure that your plan is respected, even if it is initially challenged. Remaining consistent about your boundaries is an important part of your grief work. Because after all, being empowered to both mourn (and celebrate!) the holidays in accordance with your own core values offers you the healthiest method of coping possible.
If any of this resonates with you this holiday season, or if you would like some support with taking any of these steps, our team at CTWPS is ready to help!