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One of the things I love about CBT is its flexibility for the client.  CBT is a shorter term therapy, and typically, clients graduate once they have met their initial therapy goal with us. Alternatively, rather than graduating immediaely, a client can decide to work with her therapist on a totally different therapy goal.  For example, a client may come to therapy to work on their depression, then heal through the depression, and ultimately decide to work on assertiveness at work, before eventually deciding to graduate from successful treatment.  

It is also very typical for clients to return briefly to CBT therapy after graduation for a  “tune-up” around a previously met goal, or because they are now ready to focus on a fresh goal for therapy. It is beyond helpful to receive support from a therapist with whom you’ve already had success.

So if it’s been awhile and you could use a mental health tuneup, or you’re simply interested in working on a fresh goal, reach out to us again.  We’d love to have you back!
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What Do YOU Think About It All?

One of my favorite holidays is New Year’s Day.  It’s a contemplative, peaceful  day for me, and I typically spend time reviewing the past year, and setting my intentions for the new year.  This year I’ve been thinking a lot about the quote “Other people’s thoughts are not your business”, ascribed to everyone from the Buddha to Marcus Aurelius to Lisa Nichols, Regina Brett, and Steve Harvey to name just a few!   

Regardless of the original source, there is wisdom in this concept. From a cognitive-behavioral perspective, one of the reasons it holds up is because other people don’t have “all of the data” included in your life and decisions, so how can they accurately judge your situation at any given moment? And with the hundreds of people we encounter in the world each year, there are just too many people we encounter to give each of them that kind of influence. We simply can’t afford our perspective to be pulled in every direction possible by someone else’s thoughts or perspective.

And I don't know about you, but the opposite is also true: I wouldn't want all of MY thoughts to be made other people's business arbitrarily!   

People pleasing is one of the ways we make other people's thoughts our business.  At its  core, people pleasing simply means “I let go of my center, needs, and  perspective in service of what I assume are your needs and perspective”. The motivations for people pleasing can range from hoping other people will like us or take care of us more if we please them, to misperceiving people pleasing as a form of true caretaking.   But regardless of the motivation, excessive people pleasing ultimately becomes an impossible task because frankly, there are simply too many people to please them all.  And most importantly, people pleasing pulls us off of focus because we are no longer paying attention to our own perspective, needs, and values. In this way, people pleasing disrupts intimacy as it prevents others from actually knowing us.

One of my intentions for 2024 is to not expend ANY energy on mind reading or adjusting to people’s unexpressed thoughts, concerns, or opinions.  That doesn’t mean I won’t consider other people’s expressed opinions, with the caveat that they come from someone who has earned my trust. But in order to take better emotional care of myself in 2024, I will remind myself daily that other people’s thoughts are truly none of my business.  

The Awkwardness of Authenticity

When we try something new in front of other people, we tend to worry about judgment or other negative consequences. And we tend to feel awkward because the experience between us is novel and unpracticed.  But the feeling of awkwardness doesn’t mean we actually are awkward (thankfully!).  But feeling awkward typically goes hand in hand with feeling vulnerable. 

We are often unaware that feeling awkward and taking emotional risks in front of other people eases them.  

Why? Because vulnerability cues other people that your communication is authentic and sincere.  It also cues other people that they too could be awkward, vulnerable, and authentic in safety.  That they too can try something new in front of others. 

No one can authentically connect with others without some vulnerability. If you have a hard time believing this, consider whether you have ever felt safely connected to someone who never displayed at least some vulnerability with you.

So even when it might feel initially awkward for you,  it might be time to reframe vulnerability and awkwardness as the necessary starter ingredients for authentic connection. 

Motherfectionism

Motherfectionism:  the cultural and intrapsychic insistence that mothers be perfect vessels of love and nurturance; responsible for, and in control of, all aspects of her child’s behavior and outcome.  

OK, so I made up my own word.  But it’s probably about time because it describes a process mothers often experience, and that I am witness to in my private practice and personal life. There are more examples of motherfectionism than I can count because women still bear the lion’s share of the emotional, logistic, and physical labor of parenting. And any form of perfectionism is first and foremost a coping strategy. 

Why am I framing the challenges of motherhood through this lens? Because I believe that our role as women’s mental health psychologists is to consciously not reinforce perfectionistic, unrealistic standards for mothers.  Indeed, there is a whole parenting advice industry that serves to replicate these standards, replete with two minute TikToks of confident, easy wins with our kids. I can’t tell you how many therapy sessions I have shared with mothers who feel confusion and shame in their parenting in the reflective glare of TikTok advice.

I believe our role as women’s mental health psychologists is to acknowledge the complexity of parenting,  and to shore up resilience within our female clientele for the emotional and pragmatic complexities - and labor - of motherhood. While we can offer parenting advice if needed, our job is to support you with all the flexibility and creativity that parenting requires.  Just like we do with every other important area in your life.

About Those New Beginnings

In the Northeast, we are pretty much programmed to anticipate new beginnings in September.  We may feel a surge of inspiration and energy that catapults us out of the last vestiges of summer.  

Changes in season often reflect in our mood, at least temporarily.  A key aspect of managing our moods is recognizing the transience of mood.  Everything - including our mood - changes. And while external factors, like a seasonal shift, might impact us briefly, we don’t always have to make a larger negative story out of it.  Sometimes our meta-story about our mood is the culprit in worsening it.   For example, a client might say “Every winter I get depressed”, and the result of that belief is that she feels anticipatory anxiety and dread as the winter approaches.  But a further examination of that statement reveals that most winters (not all) she feels a brief but significant drop in her mood that signals her to then anchor herself in her coping skills, and shift herself out of that low mood.   So a reframe of that statement could be “I typically feel a significant mood drop in late November. I am going to try to get ahead of that by being proactive and practicing my repertoire of coping skills to either prevent, or move more quickly out of a depressed mood if it arises.”  

Changes in mood are inevitable.  But our power lies in our willingness to directly influence the meaning we give to those changes.  If you would like support in doing just that, we’d love to help!

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How to Set (and Actually Achieve!) Your 2023 Resolutions

While New Year’s resolutions might feel exciting and energizing in the wee hours of December 31st, it’s common knowledge that most of us will have fallen off the resolution wagon by February 1st. Indeed, in their study published by the Journal of Clinical Psychology, John Norcross et al. (2002) estimated that only 46% of people who make New Year’s resolutions are successful in attaining their goals. 

So, who are these special individuals and what is their secret? Wonder no more, as this month’s blog post is here to help guide you - and your resolutions -  into February and beyond.

1. Clarify what you value most

The first step in setting resolutions for the coming year is holding a “what matters to me” brainstorming session with yourself. Whether it's learning a new skill or quitting a bad habit, when your resolution is a reflection of your own core values, you are much more likely to follow through on it. 

Thought patterns to watch out for here: “should” statements, overgeneralizing, and “doom forecasting.” When we base a goal on what we think should be important to us instead of what actually is important to us, our drive to act on said goal is drastically reduced. Similarly, catastrophic predictions (e.g., “I won’t be able to do it”) or negative overgeneralizations (e.g., “I’ve never done it before so I probably won’t do it this time either”) are also very likely to crush your confidence, mood, and motivation. Rather than zooming in on a narrow range of possibilities, instead try to envision each of the potential outcomes this next year holds (e.g., “maybe I won’t do it and maybe I will”). And whenever you imagine the possibility of success, do feel free to zoom in on how deliciously satisfying this experience might feel for future you.

2. Be S.M.A.R.T. 

After your brainstorming session, take some time to review and refine your list of resolutions. As you mull them over, ask yourself whether strategist George Doran (1981) would deem each goal as “SMART: Specific (S), Measurable (M), Attainable (A), Realistic (R), and Time-limited (T).”

Why set SMART goals? For one thing, all the resolve in the world won’t help you achieve an outcome that is actually not under your direct control. For example, instead of declaring, “I will find a long-term relationship,” a SMART goal might state, “In the next three months (Time-limited), I will increase my likelihood of meeting a romantic partner (Realistic) by re-engaging with my college alumni association (Attainable), getting back on Bumble (Specific), and attending at least one of my dance Meetups (Measurable).” 

This way of wording resolutions puts you in greater control of the process and ensures that you are setting goals that you can achieve, observe, and adjust. Just remember, the best pathway to success is the one you are most likely to begin. Speaking of which…

3. Plan smaller actions toward the goal

Once you have a list of your SMART goals, pick one of them and start breaking down the steps involved. For instance, in the previous example your first step might be to re-download Bumble on your phone, search your inbox for recent alumni emails, or DM one of your Meetup coordinators. 

It is also often helpful to plan a specific time to take these first steps. Without a schedule, it’s all too easy to forget, neglect, or avoid your resolutions altogether. Likewise, in addition to your calendar, at this stage you might want to also enlist the help of a friend or accountability partner to help motivate and encourage you toward your goals. 

4. Evaluate growth with openness  

Now that you have your SMART goals and set of corresponding actionable steps, it’s time to get started! As you proceed, don’t be afraid to assess the experience and make changes if necessary. However, if you do encounter some speed bumps or find yourself struggling along the way, remain on the lookout for any self-defeating thoughts that may be contributing to your difficulty. 

If you or someone you know is struggling with setting and achieving personal goals, our team of psychologists at CTWPS are here to help. Whether you are already navigating these steps on your own, have hit a plateau, or are yet to take step one, we have the tools and knowledge to support your efforts at every point on the path.