Nearly all of the women we see at CTWPS have certain traits in common: they are smart, capable, curious and ambitious. So it follows that words like success, achievement, and mastery are frequently spoken in my office; and concepts of motivation, expectations and perfectionism are also often explored. Certainly, when topics of work and career are the primary focus, these are the types of conversations one might expect to hear in a therapy session. However, you might be surprised to learn how often these same concepts are explored when parenting is the topic at hand.
Let’s be clear: most mothers are committed to raising happy and healthy children - first and foremost - and our patients at CTWPS also reflect this prioritization and selflessness. Yet the intensity of mothering today can understandably push some women to the emotional edge. How exactly does this happen?
In her 1998 book “The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood,” sociologist Sharon Hays described the ‘intensive parenting’ style that had predominated throughout the last decade as “child-centered, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labor intensive and financially expensive.” In short, intensive parenting is draining. And though proponents of ‘free range parenting’ have made valiant efforts to swim against this current in recent years, arguably, the trend toward intensive parenting has only gained momentum in the intervening 20 years.
At the crux of this style is the idea that one can “succeed” at mothering. This presupposes there is a very specific outcome by which we might be measured - an outcome that might ultimately determine our success - and thereby ensure the consistent health and happiness of our children. This faulty belief lends itself to the pursuit of unrealistically high expectations and unrelenting standards for oneself as a mother. These standards extend well beyond providing physical safety and security, love, and guidance. Worse still, this high pressure, high intensity drive to “achieve” at mothering is further complicated by the stress of performance anxiety. In many middle- and upper-class neighborhoods across America, motherhood has taken on a performative quality in recent years - quite literally, in the case of social media. Today, many mothers suffer from not only self-imposed pressures of ‘intensive parenting,’ but also the performance anxiety that comes with feeling as if they have an audience of peers.
So what is this proof of success - this imaginary finish line of mothering? Is it that we raised a human that is accepted into and welcomed by society? And if so, is this determined at age 5, 10, 20 or 40? Or are we hoping to raise a human who is so well developed and protected that they will never suffer at the hands of life, love, or even fate?
Each of these questions points to the absurd futility of any effort to fully “master” mothering. Yet, most of us seem unconsciously driven by the desire to guarantee these specific parenting outcomes, no matter how exhausting and debilitating this drive toward unrealistic and unrelenting standards truly is. (Unrealistic and unrelenting standards happen to be key features of maladaptive perfectionism, by the way.) We may be able to influence these outcomes - i.e. how our children turn out - but we will certainly never be able to guarantee nor control the end results. Why? For the simple fact that a child is a separate being with her own thoughts, wishes, and desires who will eventually grow into a fully individuated adult. This lack of certainty is often extremely troubling to the hard-working mothers I see in my office. Ambiguity is often intolerable, and unpredictability is often unbearable; uncertainty is always uncomfortable when it comes to our kids.
As a psychologist, there is nothing I can say or do to change these undeniable facts of life for a woman who sits across from me, suffering with the exhaustion, self-doubt or resentment brought on by the requirements of hyper-intensive mothering. However, I can help her acknowledge these truisms of life, acknowledge her role in aspiring to unrealistic and unrelenting standards, and acknowledge the value of adopting a healthier, adaptive approach to her mothering. I often work with mothers to re-frame their perspective on mothering from something they are hoping to accomplish, achieve and succeed at, to instead view mothering as an evolving process - importantly, one with no clear finish line, no clear “proof” of success. With this view in mind, the performance anxiety of motherhood decreases substantially, and the enjoyment of the process can increase exponentially. All the wasted energy thrown at mastering the unmasterable can be conserved, and instead, put toward building one’s stamina for the life-long journey - the process of mothering - that lies ahead.
If you or someone you know might benefit from support navigating the journey that is motherhood, please reach out to one of our clinicians at CTWPS for expert guidance to help you along your way.