It is that time of year when high school students are starting to receive college acceptances. While it is a time of excitement and anticipation of new beginnings, it is also potentially a time of high stress for families. I am in this process myself with my son, and have found myself having a LOT of feelings about it all.
Here at CTWPS, we work with mothers experiencing stress around the college application and acceptance process often so I have had time to really think about what happens to mothers internally during this process and how we can help. The stressors around the college application and acceptance process are potentially numerous, but in this blog I’d like to focus on just two stressors that have been relevant to our clients, dividing them into an external and an internal stressor:
The external stressor of the cost of college in the U.S., and the financial reality that it can be unaffordable for many families without great sacrifice or debt on the part of parents or students. The average cost of attending a state university currently averages around $26,000/year and the sticker price for private universities has escalated to around $75,000/year on average. While many students may receive financial and merit aid that will lower those figures, it still may remain financially challenging for many. The exponential increase in attending college is well documented. For a comprehensive and exquisitely researched book on the finances of college historically and currently, I highly recommend the book The Price You Pay For College:An Entirely New Road Map for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make (2021) by Ron Lieber.
The internal stressor of shame that parents (and students) may feel about being unable to afford their ideal college. I refer to this as “financial shame”, and think of it as a form of social class shame.
College is not the right choice for everyone. But for those who want their children to attend college, and are struggling with the college process for their children, we can support you in challenging the internal stressor of financial shame if you are experiencing it.
How does financial shame for parents manifest? In feelings of inadequacy as a parent, shame about one’s profession or salary, or excessive worry that you are causing harm to your child and her future if you decide that the financially healthy decision is that she attends a less expensive (but perhaps less prestigious) school.
Financial shame is based on a number of faulty premises. The first one is that the escalation in college cost (or any of the other major costs in our lives - real estate, childcare, taxes) is reasonable and has matched the pace of most salary increases over the years. This is simply untrue. While the average price of attending college has increased approximately 124% in the last 20 years, salary increases have typically risen anywhere from 3-16% in the last 20 years. What a stark difference!
The second faulty premise is that the college your child attends will guarantee your child’s success. Let’s assume we narrow the concept of success to professional success. While some colleges offer advantageous educational and networking experiences, the biggest driver of success will be the student herself. Is she is willing to network and capitalize on all of the communities she can access? Is she willing to work hard and engage fully in the work she does throughout her college experience? Is she willing to build deep relationships with professors, supervisors, and other students? These resilient behaviors are strong predictors of later professional success. While some colleges clearly open doors for students, where did we get the scarcity idea that there are only a “few” professional doors to open?
The first cognitive therapy skill we can access to move through financial shame is the skill of depersonalization. We need to depersonalize the escalation of college cost, separating it from who we are, separating it from our sense of our own goodness. Our goodness as a parent, as an employee, or as a member of our social class. We need to depersonalize the fact that most industries and salaries are not monetized by our society equally even as we say we value these professions in our culture (e.g. pre-school teacher vs. financial analyst). Because we are not in charge of the escalation of college cost, or the financial devaluation of some professions over others, we are left to simply react to these issues to the best of our ability.
The second cognitive therapy skill we can access to move through financial shame is decatastrophizing. College is four years out of a student’s life and offers a myriad of opportunities for your child to thrive regardless of where she goes. College is designed this way! She does not have to open “all doors” available to be successful (and frankly, that is not even possible.)
Our hope is that you learn to recognize and challenge feelings of shame in reaction to these external financial demands and circumstances. YOU did not create this financial reality, nor could you have likely predicted it (unless you are an economist with fortune-telling capacity!). Shame distracts us from the important decision-making surrounding college acceptance. If you are struggling with the college application process with your child, or anticipate doing so, reach out to us. We’d be happy to support you.