As you read the title of this article, you may be looking at it askance, thinking “I do not want to experience painful emotions! That’s why I go to therapy, right - to feel better?” Thoughts like these are frequently expressed to me in therapy when discussing so-called “negative” emotions: sadness, fear, and anxiety.
Indeed, the internal discomfort caused by these feelings can be so strong that we will often do anything in our power to avoid feeling that way. And logically, it makes sense to fuse judgment to these painful emotions: they feel bad, therefore experiencing them must be bad, and therefore we must stop them in their tracks. However, all emotions have a function. When we stop trying to judge or eliminate painful feelings and can instead respond to them with curiosity, we may better understand what is happening in our world, what needs our attention, and what we can do to restore our sense of vitality.
Emotions have an evolutionary purpose in our lives that modern-day humans have arguably disconnected from over time. Our emotions can facilitate our survival, motivate and organize us to act, and help us influence and communicate information to both ourselves and others. Let’s say I was swimming at Jones Beach on Memorial Day Weekend with my family and I saw a shark fin in the water nearby. That fear response- heart racing, heavy breathing, extreme focus, yelling, running- would help remove me from the water and get me out of harm’s way much faster than a logical and thought-out approach. The terrified look on my face and my frantic running from the water would also quickly communicate to others that there is something wrong, long before I would be able to calmly communicate with words that “I think there is a shark in the water.”
In this situation, feeling afraid may just have saved my life and the lives of my loved ones faster than a calm or neutral response could have. In Dr. Tracy Dennis-Tiwary’s new book Future Tense: Why Anxiety is Good for You (Even Though It Feels Bad), she discusses how anxiety is also an important component in motivation and drive, and that we problem solve better and more creatively when we are experiencing anxiety versus when we are not. Even sadness has a purpose; it can help us evaluate a lost goal or person in our lives and reassess what is important to us. It may also signal to others that we are in need of help or support.
Taking a more holistic view of our emotional experiences is an essential way to better identify what is happening within ourselves and how to best meet our needs. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, the beliefs we have around our feelings are crucial to understand. If we think of painful feelings as something to avoid, manage, or get rid of, they will cease to be anything other than uncomfortable.
On the other hand, if we think of painful feelings as important messages, while yes, they will still feel uncomfortable, their pain will have purpose: to help us understand why we are feeling this way and drive us to create adaptive change where it is needed. Sometimes the extremes of emotion can be truly distractions; but in those moments we can then ask questions of ourselves like “what is the kernel of truth in this highly emotional experience?” and “what might these strong emotions be overshadowing or distracting me from managing?” Reflecting on these kinds of questions can give us vital knowledge and new understanding that we may take forward with us wherever we go next.
If you would like to learn more about the function of your own painful feelings or how to better understand and manage your emotional experiences as a whole, CTW therapists are here to help. Reach out today to get started!